[chial]

I was a bit apprehensive in the days leading up to Saturday.

So much so that Tanya could tell, but of course she thought it was because of my meeting with Susan. She kept teasing me, asking me what I’ll wear, what fragrance would I be using.

But to be honest, for me it’s about what are we going to talk about? Do we have anything common to talk about? What happens when the dreaded awkward silence takes over the conversation?

Saturday came. I had breakfast with Tanya. She could tell I was slightly nervous.

She held my hand and said, “Just take it like a casual meet with a friend. No pressure laogong. As you said, just go with the flow.”

“Thank you laopor, I will keep you updated. Oh by the way, I am not sure if I can have dinner with you tonight, remember I told you that I am meeting the boys?”

“Oh yes, Amy texted me last night asking Jane and I to go over to her place for dinner. So yeah, don’t worry about me. So is this meet with the boys to plan something? Another swap? Thought you boys met not too long ago.”

“Errr.. we wanted it to be special this time, so more discussion. It’s a surprise.” I just wanted to end that topic. And yes, it sure is going to be a special surprise – sigh.

I made my way to the Toastbox at Great World. I wondered why she suggested this place, apart from the fact that it was quite a distance from my place and her zhi zhar store. I suspect maybe so that her husband does nto see us? But if we are meeting in broad daylight like this, wouldn’t she tell her husband that she is meeting me?

I got to the mall with about 15mins to spare. I walked around for a bit trying to locate Toastbox as I was not familiar with that mall. It was Saturday, the mall was packed. So I thought I better grab a table as soon as I get there.

As I was making my way to Toastbox, Susan messaged me.

“I am in Toastbox already, seated inside, see you soon.”

I wasn’t expecting her to be so early. Somehow, I was very kan-cheong that day. I just couldn’t put my finger on what was actually causing me to feel so many butterflies. It’s like having a date with a crush all over again.

I reached Toastbox and I looked inside. She waved at me, she was seated at the end of the shop, tucked in the corner – which I thought was good.

As I was walking towards her, I could see she was in her gym attire. She was wearing a sports bra liked top with yoga pants! OMG, this was the least that I needed to help me with my butterflies.

“Hey, you are here.” She greeted me with a smile.

“Sorry I am a bit late,” I don’t even know why I said that although I wasn’t.

“No, it’s me who is early. Oh by the way, I wasn’t sure what you want, but I have ordered for you – coffee and Mee Siam. If you don’t eat, I can eat – I am very hungry!” she said with a sort of giggle.

“Oh thank you.”

I could see sweat trickling down at the back of her neck with her hair tied up in a ponytail.

She noticed me noticing.

“Sorry, I am in such a mess. I just finished my yoga class, that’s why I am sweating.” She said apologetically and was busy wiping her sweat with a small towel.

“No need to apologise. You do yoga every weekend?”

“No, haha, actually I just started, my 3rd class. It is so tough, but I want to do it, to do some exercise. It is fun. Do you do yoga?”

Before I could answer, the food token buzzed. I went and pick up our orders.

“I can’t do yoga, not so flexible. But my wife does,” I said as I was placing our food on the table. I don’t even know why I mentioned Tanya at the very start of our conversation.

“Speaking of your wife, does she know you are meeting me?” Susan asked.

I wasn’t sure if I should tell her the truth, but I figure I should. After all, this meeting was with Tanya’s blessing, and whatever else that may come out of it.

“Yes, she knows about it.”

“And she didn’t mind?”

“No. What about your husband, does he know?”

“I told him that I am meeting a friend after yoga but I didn’t tell him who it was. I am sorry.”

“Hey, you have nothing to be sorry about. You don’t owe me any explanation.” I looked at her and smiled.

“Come, let’s eat!” Susan said.

We were just chatting about trivial stuff as we ate – our work, the crazy hot weather of late, etc.

“You don’t mind me asking, but would your husband be upset if he knows you are meeting another man?”

“I don’t know to be honest. I don’t even know if he cares,” she said with a tinge of sadness.

“I seldom come out, so maybe it never crossed his mind to even find out where I was going or who I am meeting. All these years with him are spent either at work or at home. And now that we run our stall together, we see so much of each other that sometimes I think he feels better if I am not around. He used to follow me back to Perak during holidays but in the last 2 years I have been going back by myself.”

“I don’t have a lot of friends here in Singapore, mostly ex-colleagues from old workplace. All my family members are in Malaysia. And the other day when I bumped into you, I had a fight with him. He was supposed to come out with me to buy a present for my nephew, but last minute he decided to stay home.”

Susan paused and took a sip of her coffee.

“I suppose we have been rather unhappy in recent years. What more especially because I failed to bear a child for him.”

Although I was expecting to learn more about her today, I wasn’t prepared for it to take such a serious and sad tone.

“I am sorry to hear that,” was all I could utter. “But, he treats you well, does he not?”

“I suppose you can say so. He is a good man – no gambling or going to KTV like most of his friends do. His only bad habit is smoking. Other than that, he does take care of me. He even make sure every month to send some money to my parents. I know I shouldn’t complain about him, I should count myself lucky to have him. But sometimes…”

She stared on the table, trying to string her next sentence.

“Sometimes… I am also a woman. I need a man to love me, to care about me, to take care of my needs the way a woman would want to be taken care of.”

That was when I knew the conversation is taking a turn into something more personal. But I didn’t want to be presumptuous. I’d rather let her do most of the talking and let her guide the flow of the conversation.

Sensing my quietness, Susan asked me “Do you know what I mean?”

I just nodded my head.

“I know he is not a professional like you, working in airconditioned office. I also know myself, and that I count myself lucky to even meet Ah Hock. He was caring in his own ways and when he courted me, I felt like I was the luckiest girl in the whole RWS workplace. He used to bring me lunch that he secretly cooked and we would sit in some stairwell and have lunch together. It may not be much, but to me it was more than enough for me. So when he asked me to marry him, I did not hesitate even for a moment.”

“But after we got married, we tried so hard to have a baby. Maybe because of my age, I just couldn’t conceive. We thought of going to Indonesia and adopt, but it was too expensive. But I still did my wife duty – I never said no to him each and every time he wants it. I never fail to satisfy him. And he has a very big sexual appetite – 4-5 times a week. I asked around my other girlfriends – they said for them at most 2-3 times or sometimes once a week.”

“And women being women, we share our sexual lives with each other. From my conversation with them, I found out that not all of us are satisfied with our sex lives. Some are not getting enough, their husbands do not want to do it with them anymore – they go KTV. Some are like me, husbands want a lot and at the same time satisfy them too. But for me, Ah Hock wants a lot of sex, but he does not satisfy me anymore. He used to be gentle and will make me satisfy. But in recent years, after he has cum, he will just leave me there. I feel not loved, I feel unwanted. I feel like I am a sex toy to him.”

She must have realised she has gone on and on, and I have been quiet.

“I am so sorry… so sorry… I don’t know why I am sharing all this with you…”

“It’s ok… we are all adults here. And the fact that you are willing to tell me, that means you trust me and take me as a friend.” I said to her with a reassuring smile.

“And maybe that is why…. When I bumped into you the other day, I just wanted to feel the feeling of being with another person… I am sorry I used you.”

“Don’t say that. You did not use me. Take me as a friend.”

“Thank you. You are really kind. Every time I see you and your wife, I do feel envy. I can imagine how lucky your wife is. And you are a very nice person.” She looked at me shyly as she said that.

“Thank you for the compliment.”

“So I told myself, even if I can just experience having coffee with someone like you, I will feel very satisfied, even if today is the last time, I can understand.”

“Huh, why would today be the last time? You moving back to Malaysia?”

“No, but I don’t think your wife would allow you to continue meeting me after I have told you that I am a lonely auntie who feels unloved by her husband. Wouldn’t you be scared that I want to do more with you other than coffee?”

That was the first time Susan has been so forward in her language with me.

“You should know by now that I do like you, but whether or not in a sexual way, I cannot tell yet. But I do enjoy being with you, and I do enjoy the attention you give me, even when it was those 5-10 minutes interaction at my store.”

Attention that I gave her? Was I that obvious? And could she also be referring to my prying eyes of her, especially that downblouse incident?

“Err.. I am sorry I looked into your blouse that time.. I swear it was an accident, I didn’t do it on purpose.”

Susan smiled at me, “it’s ok. I don’t mind it at all. And if I can show it to someone I like, I am happy.”

My face blushed. I didn’t know what else to say. I thought hard for a moment.

“You can be sure that this will not be the last time we meet. I take you as a friend if you take me as a friend.”

“But wouldn’t you be scared that I might want more than just being a friend?”

“Not only I am not scared, but I can make it even more exciting for you.” I decided this was the right time to broach the subject.

“Do you have more time? Shall we continue this conversation somewhere else more private?”

Susan immediately blushed.

“But ... but... I am not ready…” she said.

“No no, I am sorry, I don’t mean that… yet… But we are getting there,” I felt bad for making her feel embarrassed.

I could see her confused look. She must be thinking if I am a pervert.

“Don’t worry I won’t harm you. Let me send you home and we can continue talking in the car.”