Confession of a SD

Betelguese1234 · #1 09-10-2013, 02:36 PM

My name is Michael and I’m a 41 years old Chinese Singaporean. I go by another nick here but decided to create a new one for this posting for anonymity reasons.

I’ve just ended another SB/SD relationship that lasted for over one and a half year. This would have been my fourth relationship with the previous three lasting between six months and three years. As the old Chinese saying goes, 上的山多终遇虎, I am finally emotionally affected by this last relationship. Hence, as a mean of self-therapy, I thought of penning down what happened to me.

Before I start, perhaps a caveat first, there will be no sexual contents here as I’m not like Ron Jeremy (the “Hedgehog”) who can make women reach sexual ecstasy 100% of the time. So this will be more of an emotional posting and for those who prefers explicit description of sexual acts, my sincere apologies and I will like to invite you to stop reading.

I was a pretty decent boy up to 16 years old with the usual masturbation and fantasies about movies stars etc. My first foray into the world of commercial sex was at the age of 17 when I was in poly. My classmates then were boasting about their sexual escapades and powers when the topic of visiting prostitutes came up. As I was a typical young boy then, I naturally boasted about my sexual powers also without revealing the fact that the only sexual experience I had was with Madam Palm and her five daughters. Okay, I admit, I do switch hands once in a while so I was in some ways experienced with multiple partners.

Out of bravado, I agreed to follow my friends to Petain Road and oh boy was that an experience. I have never been to the Jalan Besar area and the sights of the brothels with ladies ready for the taking amazed me. I suspected that amongst the four of us who went to Petain Road, at least another guy was a virgin like me. How did I come to that conclusion? Both of us were eagerly trying to encourage the others to go first and choose their ladies citing the excuse that we have not found the right one.

My other two friends were surprisingly encouraging. I reckon they must have seen through our feeble attempts at trying to get out of visiting the prostitutes without compromising on our pride. So they happily push us into two separate rooms after negotiating on our behalf and off we go on our merry way. Well, nothing to shout about, as a virgin boy, the feeling of being fellated was enough to make me reach orgasm. Luckily I managed to hold on a few microseconds longer sufficient for penetration. A few thrusts and I’m done. Strangely, no red packet from the lady. Maybe times were bad….. There goes my first time.

Fast forward to my early 30s. I was already married but not exactly faithful. I’ve got my fair share of overseas prostitutes when I was working overseas and local talents in Geylang, Petain and the freelances. For those who scrutinises postings with a microscope, my definition of local talents are any ladies (regardless of nationality) who ply their trades in Singapore. I also had my fair share of short term relationships before and flings after my marriage. Well, I guess my appearance and sense of humour is still sufficiently acceptable to some ladies for me to get into their panties despite my marital status.

During this period, I had to entertain a lot and hence comes the usual flings with KTV and massage girls etc. For those who remember, Marina South used to have these massage palours or health centres and I used to frequent there during lunch time. Come to think of it, no wonder my office receptionists always look at us in wonder at how come we always come back from lunch with wet hair.

After a while, I got really tired of all these commercial sex and started craving for that dating feeling again. Call me strange or whatever you want but talking sweet nothings and exchanging smses every few minutes appealed to me again then and the regularity and familiarity of having one exclusive partner was especially enticing. Luckily at that time I was already in management so there’s nothing operational or daily for me to handle, which may not be that good as it leaves me with a lot of time to exchange sweet nothings.

That was when I started thinking about having a mistress. A few of my friends who were much more experienced than me in the world of commercial sex and mistress keeping kept warning me about that and shared their experiences at how traumatising it will eventually be when either the lady or they had to initiate the terminations. However, I was thinking then that I can handle it as all I wanted was to have on exclusive partner who will answer my needs as and when I want and without the commercial feeling of having to pay every time. I’m sure there are some members here who shares the same feelings of having very nice sex after a nice evening of dating.

Well, that went on for a while with me having the occasional forays back into freelances or Geylang as and when my mistresses were indisposed either because of menses or because of work/school. I had always been able to draw a line and terminated relationships when the ladies demanded for status more than the agreed arrangements such as wanting me to leave my family. At this juncture, I must clarify that I am happily married with kids but I am born with a cursed high sex drive which my wife had been unable to satisfy. Hence, no way will I leave my family for another relationship.

After my third SB/SD relationship, I was again on the hunt for another SB. Initially I thought that it will be the same arrangement in that I’m into this relationship merely to satisfy my carnal and animalistic needs. Well, I am so wrong.

I wrote to M who was searching for a FB/SD to help out on her school expenses. She came from a middle class family so her search was more for a FB and for the experience rather than desperate financial needs.
At that time, she was close to 20 years my junior and as I usually don’t demand for pictures prior to meeting, I felt like a total paedophile when I first saw her in person. It was a really enjoyable date and it was so refreshing talking to a young lady with a totally unjaded perspective of life. Strangely, we never really talked about terms during that first date and it was only after a few more exchanges of e-mails that we finally agreed on the terms.

There must had been something about her that made me just want to protect and care for her. Perhaps it was the unpretentious way in which she sits in fancy restaurants or the loud, sincere chuckles at my extremely idiotic jokes. Perhaps it was the childlike demeanour which makes my paternal instinct come up. Much as I desired her sexually, unlike previous relationships, I did not insist on satisfying myself only but instead waited for her to be in the mood before I ask for sex.

As time goes by, the feeling of having her in my arms while I gently stroke her hair and her back and the joy of having the side of her breast press on me when she held my arms while we walked along the streets became like a drug and I became a drug addict. I started going home late more frequently and looked forward like a little puppy to my phone beeping with her message. Then I started to become a little too possessive and suspicious in that I got jealous whenever she gets messages from guys.

Finally, one fine day whilst having my shower at home after a date with her that involves no sex (we had a lot of those types of no-sex dates), something came to my mind. What the hell am I doing? Even if she had some feelings for me and vice versa, what can I offer her and what am I doing to myself? Why am I behaving like a love-struck puppy who gets possessive over the smallest thing? Is it fair for me to demand exclusivity to her when I cannot offer her anything emotional or status wise? My meagre contribution to her finances are really not necessary as she do get allowances from her family.

That was when I went for a very long stroll alone and thought deep and hard. What the f—k have I been doing for the last 5 to 6 years? What is wrong with seeking companionship from my own wife and kids when they are always there waiting for me and craving for my attention. It is one thing to stray because of animalistic carnal desires that ceases once they are satisfied, it is quite another to stray because of emotions that should go to my family and loved ones. If I need and crave familiarity, I can always and should always just visit the same freelance or house until the lady’s contract expires.

It when then that I reminded myself that my relationship with her started off as an arrangement and it must never go beyond an arrangement. I decided to make that hard decision of breaking my decision to her on our last date. I will not elaborate on how that date went except that it was emotionally traumatising on me.

I still have this intense longing for her. It reminded me of my first breakup in my very first real relationship. Although I initiated that breakup because of trust issues, it was nevertheless something that cuts deep into my heart so much that I still remember the pain.

So much for being able to 拿的起放的下. I cannot blame anybody but myself for bringing the bad feelings of my first breakup back. I just hope that things go well for her and that all the best things that can happen to a nice young lady happens to her.

Well, enough of being emotional and time to get on with life. There’re bills to pay and a company to run. Time to surf SBF for FL contacts and to re-familiarise myself with all the budget hotels.

Thank you for reading and allowing me to share with you whilst on this journey of self-healing. I wish you a very happy life ahead.

Meow^^ · #2 09-10-2013, 03:30 PM

A confession....I thought in the end, you will wake up and return to your wife and kids but, it follows by more FL thingy.

I guess you have your fair share of fun in the end. I really dont know when will be that day where you will finally wake up and stop this FL thingy. How long will a guy like you in the end stop pursuing this kind of sexual fantasy...well i guess it's a never mind to me...when there is a give, there is always a taker...

Betelguese1234 · #3 09-10-2013, 04:07 PM

Hi Meow,

Thanks for your posting and since you're the first one to post a reply to my thread, I guess it warrants the basic courtesy of a response.

Yeah, when will a guy like me ever wake up and stop all these sexual stuff. That is a question I ask myself too. Maybe the day when I eventually suffer from ED will I stop craving for sex since it is the only vice I have and the only way I release stress.

At the rate things are going, that day may not be too far away and hopefully I won't be too weak mentally and go for that little blue pill.

Have a great week ahead.

Kind regards

Meow^^ · #4 09-10-2013, 04:18 PM

A way to release stress... or an excuse to XXXX around?
Seriously, if I am your wify, I will feel dam freaking sad...

Betelguese1234 · #5 09-10-2013, 04:24 PM

Hi Meow,

I've been through similar debates countless times over the same issues that you've brought up. It gets kind of tedious to be faced with the same comments.

Hence, to have closure to our brief correspondence, I'll accept what you posted and hope we'll agree to disagree.

This will be the last response from me to your reply.

Peace

Kind regards

Turtle · #6 09-10-2013, 04:42 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Meow^^

A way to release stress... or an excuse to XXXX around?
Seriously, if I am your wify, I will feel dam freaking sad...

It's a reality. Just whether the guy is exposed to it or not, early or late in life. If you got a good man, make sure he don surf Sbf. Haha, but then again can you ensure he don get the influence and opportunity elsewhere? If the guy appears to be too good to be true, it's most probably is. Check and check and test and test. Haha.

W1ck3dSecret · #7 09-10-2013, 06:56 PM

Your thread title indeed arouses my kpo-ness.
Thank you for sharing your confession.
You can do it! Just a matter of time ....... Wishing u a better tomorrow

porscheclub · #8 09-10-2013, 10:06 PM

Well Mike, after a few more mistresses & you'll be all well

Important things are the family must remain the priority & the well being of your kids. I'm slighty younger than you and sex has become an accessory but not necessity in life.

arjunalee · #9 09-10-2013, 10:51 PM

just keep rocking the world.. there are 3 billions woman out there.. quackkkkkkkkkk!!!!!!

pipipoo · #10 10-10-2013, 12:47 AM

I believe is a matter of discipline. You should stop all this.

kcir · #11 10-10-2013, 03:42 AM

Hi Michael, just curious. This last SB is it a foreign student study in Sg and 21 years old? Just asking, sound like someone I know, maybe coincident. Thanks if you can reply.

lemontee · #12 10-10-2013, 11:33 PM

This confession is written rather poignantly yet its pretty straight-in-your-face... as bare as bare can be... as flawed as an asshole can be.... what immediately captured my attention is the depth of TS heartfelt words, though nasty, but its from his heart.
Many people might bomb TS for being unfaithful selfish bastardy husband etc etc...(but then we all are imperfect and at some point in life we have been selfish we have been bastards to someone else before)....

it takes courage to be frank to someone else about one's imperfections and weakness.. but i feel it take a even stronger courage to be frank to oneself... afterall, alot of us are always in denial... and we wear "masks" all the time, to the extent even to ourselves....

georgemagnum · #13 11-10-2013, 08:28 AM

It takes a lot for TS to bare almost all .....

gm .... One snr told me this which I remembered .... Once u got a family ..... Never ever leave them for watever happens outside ..... Penny for thot ....

dantes inferno · #14 12-10-2013, 12:36 PM

I think that TS did the right thing.
While he is a dick for being unfaithful, he knows that his duty is to his family. Sex is sex. Once emotions come in, better fuck off asap.

First rule of cheonging: Don't get attached!

SBCheongSter · #15 12-10-2013, 05:32 PM

It is a man's natural instinct to hunt and this is being so ever since there are man on earth.
Those who did not go hunting is not because that they do not want to do so, either emotionally or physically. It is because they are trying to control their natural hunting abilities probably due to various commitments.
Just like any male animals, a man is male as well and it is how a man's body is being built up since mankind is form.

For TS, you are probably the kind of man to hunt more on emotional satisfaction rather than physical, probably due to your age. For 20s to probably 30s, man usually hunt more for physical satisfaction and as years goes by around late 30s and beyond, emotional hunting is more required as man from this age group lacks emotional satisfaction. Not sure if this is called mid life crisis for man.

TS realised the emotional attachment to the last SB and I will say TS had definitely made a good decision to get out asap. Emotional attachment is tiring and since you are married, it is leading to nowhere.
I also guess that TS is having boys as his kids and probably no daughters since the emotional attachment feelings can be diverted to daughters if have.

Above is my own personal opinion and might not be correct as well.