是要填饱淫欲还是填满空虚？

[nightqueen]

note: this is not my story. was running through a best friend's stuff when i came across this. we used to surf SBF together when we were younger, and i thought since it has always been her idea to publish her own life story, ill post it here to get some comments. its in chinese. and to brothers whom is thinking of knowing her, shes no longer around. sorry to say. comments welcomed.

‘是要填饱淫欲，还是要填满空虚？’

眼前那个认识不到一天的男人努力的满足着我。舌头在我敏感的耳垂上不断吸允着，不是在耳垂上吹出有人的热气 。不知不觉间身体在散发着一种渴望的气息。这是场交易…我不断在提醒着自己。两个光着的身子在鲜红色沙发上 相拥着，我感受着他透过皮肤传过来的体温。

好学不学的，学人家去叫鸭。这时候的自己，有点哭笑不得。我忘记什么时候开始，我竟然变得这么大胆…只知道 既然活着，什么都应该试一下。早上这个男人自动找上来说提供服务…内心那叛逆的基因就开始抽动。不到24小 时后，我们就这样忍不住的在探索着对方。或者应该说是…他在探索着我。因为这时候我的，似乎是脑死状态。已 经快两年没这样被男人触碰…身体在反应着，渴望这种欲望的我正在被释放，虽然理智的我还在努力挣扎着想主持 大局。这是场交易…正当我还在努力说服着自己的时候，他的舌头入侵了我嘴里，在我嘴里来回挑逗。立刻的，理 智的我被打入冷宫。这才是真正的我…就算是利用金钱购买回来的性爱，快乐也无所谓…至少这瞬间的我，我感受 到自己真的活着。

然后我发现了，我竟然还不知道他的名字。双手用力的紧拥着在自己身上的这个男人，心里却是在苦笑着。是要填 饱淫欲，还是要填满空虚？

身体在享受着两年来都没感受过的肌肤之亲，头脑却在漂流。无可否认的…我的身体需要这个男人。可是我不肯定 的是，接下来，我的精神是否能承受这一切。我知道这么做，理论上不对…我不应该在这个时候做出这样的时候。 可最近感觉被压力压得快透不过气…感觉快承受不了快崩溃。除了这么发泄着自己，我想不到还能怎样。打从一开 始，我就是这样的一个女人。也因为这样，才能在东京那样的地方生存了那一段时间…可是也因为这样，所以回到 这个本来是自己家的国家后才发现自己适应不过来，发现自己快受不了这种生活…渴望自由。想自由自在的做自己 想做的事情，想不受约束的去放纵。

曾想过…我也想安稳，可打从那一天开始，安稳两个字已经从我字典里消失。我这样的人…不配拥有 安稳。

就当头脑里还想着过去的点点滴滴，下身忽然的传来一阵剧痛，让我立马的清醒了过来。他用手指插入我体内，也 许是太久没做爱的关系…忽然就觉得痛的呼吸不过来。以前的我很喜欢以前的他用手指插入…觉得那样比真的做爱 还舒服。可是这一瞬间，却觉得痛不欲生。他手指在我身体内扣着，每一次都让我觉得痛，却没有想把他推开的意 念…

好像越痛，就越真实的感觉。脑海里那些记忆片段渐渐变得模糊不清，只听见自己的呻吟还有他不断要我放松的声 音。我努力想去享受那份痛…让痛慢慢消失，被快感取代。这是场交易…还是在很努力的提醒自己这一点。也因为 是场交易，不带有任何感情，所以才能全放开…就像很久很久以前那样…我可以不顾一切，放开自己的去享受一样 ……

房间里除了我的呻吟和呼吸声，就是下体传来的水声。他一脸的满足，似乎很肯定自己做的很好…我双眼却是闭着 的，一直把他当做另一个人。双手伸到他脖子后紧紧的把他搂着，这样就不会看见…不会看见，就能把他当做是他 自己以外的任何人…房间里开到最大的冷气和他的体温形成了强烈的对比，我在发热的身体正在慢慢的调整着的他 的手指，和他在我脖子上游荡的舌头。

[drslump99]

Please continue.
Thks for sharing

[timezz]

camping for more ts

[nightqueen]

note : actually found the english version.. so much easier for me to read and understand... my chinese sucks. so here goes.. thanks for the support and welcome comments.

Everything went haywire from the day mum and dad finally decided to divorce. Or rather i should say... the day they finally let me knew bout the divorce. Almost a decade ago, yet the memories still feel so fresh... Back home from school one day and found all my favourite soft toys gone from the cabinet in front of the bed i shared with my grandma, and grandma was sitting on the sofa in the living room, with an empty look in her eyes.

Since I could remember, mum and had have been fighting their entire life, but the thought of divorce never once came to my mind despite mum mentioning it almost on a daily basis whenever she goes mad. I always thought, its been ongoing for at least the 14 years that i'm alive, I guess it'll go on forever. But this day, I knew everything was finally going to change. I tried to talk to grandma, and she burst into tears, that was the first time I've seen my always strong-headed grandma in tears. She started mumbling cantonese that I couldn't make out, asking me to leave the house that very night. I had to, I was in my school uniform, and all my clothes is gone. Gone from the place that I'd been staying for almost 10 years. I didn't even have a chance to take any photos of the unit that I'd spend my entire 'perfect-on-the-surface' childhood. (Back then, i dont remember having any camera phones.)

And just than, i received a message on my mobile, an address of the place that I had to call 'home' from that day onwards.

I didn't had a choice, I couldn't choose dad, and I got totally no idea why I wasn't given a choice. But anyway, dad and I had a horrible relationship due to all the poison that my mum have been feeding me over the years, and it seems just 'right' that I had to leave dad and stay with my mum. Our new house was a 3-room flat in the same area. My room was fully done up, a new bed, new computer table, new cabinet, everything was new. And air-conditioned. I knew mum was trying to give me the best, but despite appreciating it, I couldn't get myself to forgive her for the divorce. I knew the real reason for the divorce, she had another man. And I remembered how she'd made use of me to meet that man whom is a taxi driver. (I was so called the spoilt brat that needed to be fetched around in a taxi.)

Life after the divorce was all about freedom. Mum didn't really bother about me, I continued my secondary school life like everyone else, and spend hours after school in places like orchard or great world and tiong bahru plaza. A bunch of us would just rot in KFC or the once in a while ramen ten or sakae sushi till late before heading home. And those days MIRC was the so call trendy thing. We had our own class channel and school channel, and we would spend hours late at night chatting on IRC or phone. Back before the divorce, I was never allowed to be on the computer till late, and sharing a room with my grandma never gave me the chance to talk late either, except for the one or two times.

Freedom came with a price.

School channels was getting boring, we were constantly talking to the same people, about the same gossips. And soon, friends started sharing other channels like #teens or #cybersex and #sex. Being curious at our age, and being boring as well, I was one of them whom started exploring and chatting with strangers. And maybe, I do make an easy target I guess. (Almost 10 years on, I still think I'm an easy target now too.) Having the entire room to myself was one of the best thing ever, I could chat all I want and talk all I want on the phone, mum was too busy with her man and her work, and my maternal grandparents doesnt stay with us either. No one really bothered about what I was up to, so long as I head home with decent grades. And luckily for me, except for my maths whom is forever in the red, everthing else went smooth.

I tried cybersex. Back than, it seems like it was the safest thing to be done. And at 14 or 15, the thought of a boyfriend never came to mind. Afterall, the crushes in schools is more than enough. I was sitting right behind my secondary school crush, and waking him up before the teacher walks into the classroom was one of the best simplest moment of life. Cybersex was like... a game. The few 'big brothers' in those sex chatrooms taught me as though they were really being nice. At that age.. almost everyone I'd meet on the IRC was older than me. (Went online recently and it seems.. everyone is younger than me, felt so horrible.)

Everything was pretty much in control. Until JP came into the story. He was the first mistake of my life. (I went on facebook recently to realised that he's getting married. Almost wanted to find a wall and smash my head into it. What if I hadn't went crazy and insisted on the break up, would i be the bride in that gown now? But again, if i was, I'd probably still kill myself before our wedding.)

JP stays pretty far from me. But people around me was eventually getting attached. And peer pressure was getting me big headed, I wanted someone I could walk with. Someone that could be there for me, not the virtual IRC stuff. So, despite having no feelings for JP at all, we got together. Our first movie was some samurai movie which I can no longer remember the name. And more than half of the movie was spend on cuddling and kissing, which disgust me up till today. It was almost like, I had more fun with the texting cybersex online than to be touched by someone like him. But like i mentioned... I was just a normal and easy target that was desperate for attention. At 15 years old whereby everyone else around was busy getting in love, even my then best friend.

And so, the relationship continued. JP stays in a semi-D house, and almost 3 days a week, after school I'd head over to his place till late. He had problems in his chinese and i was helping him since I was well known the genius in chinese(only). The decent studying sessions slowly change into more, cuddling, petting, showering together etc. It was disgusting me pretty much, but to keep the relationship going, giving in seems to be the only choice. We'd shower together before doing what seems to be sex (but it was only years on that i realised, he didnt managed to penetrate, despite the many many attemps which he taught he did.)

Sex had always been painful for me, and have never enjoyed it till many years later. And only till years later I realised, I was the only one that knew the perfect way to satisfy myself, and I needed to be the one to guide my partner to doing it right. But back than, I didnt know all these. All I knew was to give in to whatever in order to keep the relationship going.

And we lasted for....

Less than a year. JP was still in contact with his ex girlfriend. The first time, I went crazy and he begged me, in tears. I gave in. The second time, I was much calmer than I expected myself to be, gave in again. The third time, everything broke down. I remembered the slap I gave him in the middle of the crowd in Jurong Point. I remembered walking away and never looking back. I remembered him calling me and messaging me. I remember heading to kbox with friends the next day (right one day before O levels) and singing the day away, before heading home to mug the night away and head to war the next day.

It was only years later that I finally met JP again for lunch. But nothing continued and nothing will continue... He was just the beginning of my mistake, a path that i should never have took....

[owl888]

TS up u, awaiting for your next installation...cheers!

[nightqueen]

Life after leaving JP was pretty standard. Especially after O levels, there was the relaxing period whereby we did nothing but play, sing, eat, and shop. (Everything was still so simple back then). And of course, hours spent online went up. A bunch of us friends would chat till early morning and sleep till late afternoon, before heading out for lunch and so on. Chances of coming in contact with strangers increased as well.

Relationship at home was still bad. There's only mum and me in the house most of the time, and I still had something against her over the divorce. The freedom was not enough to make up for the loss. Afterall, despite the quarrels I had what on the surface was a complete family. But because of her, the 'complete' was gone. We continued living in our own world, there are times she tried to initiate talks with me, but nothing went deeper than the usual shallow talks. I was totally fine with that. I would talk to strangers online and brought two of them into my room in the middle of the night. Friends around knew nothing bout this, in front of them I was still the usual old happy go lucky me. But life wasn't really about being happy go lucky, one disappeared right after the night together. And now, i can't even remember his name nor face, except for the small tribal tattoo on his back right below his neck. No sex, the night was slow. Just cuddling and petting, and morning he left. That was all I remember.

Second guy I brought back got myself into quite a little trouble. A compulssive gambler, I ended up clearing his debts for him using my own allowance and even borrowing from my grandparents. Luckily for me, it wasnt a big amount, and it ended within a month. Soon after, it became pretty clear what was going on. He had a girlfriend, and he had debts, the first time I managed to clear it for him, but the second time, it became impossible. I was barely 17 and was enjoying life with friends after the O levels. The idea of getting a job never came to mind, luckily for me. (But in later years, I wasn't that lucky anymore.) Jefri disappeared just like how he appeared, all of a sudden. After the years, memories is failing me too, couldn't seems to remember anything except that this one person once appeared somewhere in my life, left some footsteps that got covered up by time.

Soon, after Jefri left, life became normal. I got myself a pet dog and the barking made it impossible for me to bring anymore strangers home. Life seems to be getting back on track once again. I was too freedom oriented to get into a poly, and opt for private studies instead. Often it hits me hard that if i've choosen the path that many have choosen, perhaps life would have been so much simpler and easier... and maybe even happier.

The thought of a real and decent relationship never cross my mind. Especially after going through few heartbreaks with close friends, and the failed relationship with JP combined with the divorce made trusting someone a difficult task.

[queeniegal]

Nice... Continue. Sound like that gal in the stories early 30s?

[nightqueen]

Originally Posted by queeniegal

Nice... Continue. Sound like that gal in the stories early 30s?

not that old, early 20s only. haha.